Beer Me

Beer: How Make?

Yes, this time we learned all about every man's stereotypically favorite beverage, beer. Beer has been around for quite some time now (4000 B.C.), but the ingredients needed are basic, so that makes sense. Although the process is not too simple. The key ingredients are barley and hops. And don't forget the water. So you take your barley, steep it so that it starts germinating. Ok, now stop that germination by putting the seeds of the barley in a kiln. Now it's time to grind that germinated seed in the mill. It will be bashed and mashed from her. There's even a lauter tun used. Who knows what that thing does. Now you throw in your hops. Hops are plants that add flavor to a beer. There are even hops that smell like citrus. You brew it from here in a kettle. Your whirlpool separator should do the trick for the next step, and then a cooling device cools down the beer-in-progress. Here's the part where you let it ferment. Yeast comes in to your fermentation vessel, and any excess yeast is removed. Hmm, it smells like alcohol now. At this point, your beer is green. Eww! You let this green goblin mature in a tank and then filter it all out. From here you basically have your beer. Of course, you can always pasteurize it, but who wants beer past your eyes? You would drown in beer if it were past your eyes! Now put it in the right container and ship it out for everyone to buy and get drunk off of.

Beer: Why Drink?


Now, as we all know, nobody actually likes the taste of beer, or any obviously alcoholic beverage for that matter. They all pretend to like it to seem cool for drinking beer. The same goes for coffee and tea. I'm waiting for that day when humanity will finally say, "Ok, fine. Of course beer tastes gross. But it makes me feel good." Well, I'm glad you finally admitted that. It's true, even old people drink for fashion and that sort of thing. Now, another reason people drink is to get drunk, or the technical term, "Shwasty Krunkity Koo". We all know the effects alcohol has on someone:

1. Improved dance skills: Perhaps your rhythm is a little off, but you're no longer afraid to bust some sick moves on the dance floor, including the robot, the sock puppet, and the ironic twist.
2. Slurred speeeerrrcch: You might combine words you never thought were possible, like dinosaur and laser. Lasosaur! Which turns into Lasosaurus Rex, which is turned into Lazorsaurus Rex, so people don't mispronounce (aloud or in their head) it when the read it.
3. Super great time: When did you become so funny and honest and spontaneous? Oh, just a few drinks ago? That's funny. I have a feeling we're going to have a good night tonight. Now let's boogie, buddy!

Which is why one should always drink responsibly and never drink in excess. So, any questions so far besides this very one I'm asking? Let's continue on our magical mystery tour then.

Beer: Who Knows?

Beer culture is about as well defined as surf culture, and that's well defined. It's there, communities form around a single concept. People that are into beers tend to really delve into the whole subject because once you go in that rabbit whole a little you just keep on finding more questions. There is a lot to know about beer, and I will summarize all of it briefly in this paragraph. Microbreweries are considered "cool" because it's not made by The Man who doesn't care about the quality of the beer he produces. Commercial beers like Bud Light and Coors are bad beers with carelessness in the craft. It's more about marketing than it is about creating a work of art, which is the beer. So do everyone a favor and stop buying those cheap, nasty beers and buy local or make your own. Beer ranges from a faded gold color to black (see above, which I'm sure you already did). Fosters is NOT Australian for beer. Most Australians have never even heard of that brand. The United States produces the most beer annually. American beer is basically a laughingstock in the world community. England is said to have the best beer in the world. That may be a pretty serious statement to anyone who cares, but I'll believe it. The rest is pretty much self-explanatory. Enjoy your beer, or finally confess that you can't, nor could anyone possibly enjoy the foul taste of beer, or any alcoholic beverage.