I'm taking a slight shift, less towards the senses and dreams aspect of this blog, and more towards the "yeah" feature. I will be critiquing an infomercial - one advocating a unique chair, guaranteed to make you less depressed about your disappointing physique: The Hawaii Chair. If you would like, watch the whole deal right here straight through, but I'm going to be analyzing each and every meticulous detail of this commercial and product.
0:00 - 0:04
Bam. Music starts right off the bat and off we goooooooo! It's like I'm at a tropical resort right now. "Take the work, out of your workout." Good motto by which to live. Oh, and we have some specs here, too. Let's see, 2800 RPM hula motor? Wow. That seems necessary. And a 300 hundred pound capacity? That one is probably not enough for the fat, desperate, and lazy consumers who bought this chair.
0:04 - 0:08
And there it is in all its revolving glory, along with a URL to the website, which, surprisingly, is now defunct. Hmm, where do I go to buy this then? I'm sure it's available somewhere as a novelty.
0:08 - 0:25
Ok, and here's the repulsive man speaking on behalf of the Hawaii chair. Oh, he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt as well. How appropriate, since this is the Hawaii chair, which is called the Hawaii chair because... well. Wait, why the hell is this called the Hawaii chair? Because of the circular motion you make with your ass? Alright, so it's referring to a hula, which we all sort of know how to do, and that is a graceful dance. This is a disgraceful piece of shit. But anyway, back to the video. This guy seems genuinely excited about this "revolutionary" (yes) chair. Tamra seems to be paying absolutely no attention to this guy, despite him addressing her. Good for her. Oh, and there's another toned woman behind him who looks like she could really get a lot of work done with that position. Then he drops some stats. Hmm, 40 hours a week sitting. Sounds pretty sad, but unfortunately it's probably generally correct (too many adverbs, consider revising). Good, now we are going to the workplace with Erin Lee.
0:25 - 0:34
Great whirring transition there. Did we just travel through an active volcano, or what was all that lava? More Hawaiian shit for sure. And there's Erin Lee. She doesn't look very Asian for such an Asian surname. By far one of the goofiest things I've ever witnessed. It's as if you can see her trying to focus on anything but how annoying and unnatural that chair is to her. And around she goes, smiling and leaning on the desk to balance and not look that much stupider. Well, let's take a look at this "very busy work environment."
0:34 - 0:40
"Oh my Gosh (capital G) this is amazing!" Again, more genuine-sounding people, especially with that free-spirited laugh.
"That feels great on my ass- er, abs." I definitely anticipated his to testify how wonderful this Hawaii chair felt on his ass. I'm sure it does feel great, just like a workout feels. Oh, wait, no. Workouts hurt.
"I can really feel this working." Shut up, lady. We've heard enough out of your mouth already.
0:40 - 0:47
Oh my god (must be uppercase, see me after class) they are attempting desk work now.
"Answering phones" seems simple enough. I mean, you might hear an annoying whir on the other side, but that's manageable.
"Using the computer" is out of the question. I'm sure it would interfere. Bosses would be all, "get that stupid swiveling piece of trash outta here, or YOU'RE outta here! Capreesh?" But you've grown attached, "Ok," you nod capriciously.
"Balancing books or... filing paperwork" are both out as well. You're going to end up devoting all your energy to balancing yourself. More like, "fling paperwork." All over the office. You're quarterly review is coming up and this chair will be the end of you. But at least you'll have your health with that great body.
0:47 - 0:52
You're right, Lee. I can hardly call that work because you will get nothing done corporeally or corporately. If any of these did sell, I'm sure they would have been outlawed in every professional setting.
0:52 - 1:06
There's that lovely tune again with new lyrics. "If you can sit you can get fit*. The Hawaii Chair." And now we see 4 prime examples of this chair being used by what appear to be physical therapists of some sort. Bottom Left Lady looks euphoric. They day I see a Hawaii Chair in a gym is the day I take a shit on a Hawaii Chair. And watch it spin in circles.
*fat
